


PUCK: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by Lady_Anne_ONymous



Series: GLEE Owner's Guides [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Humor (or my attempt at it anyway...), M/M, Manual, owner's guide, user's manual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:53:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1753513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anne_ONymous/pseuds/Lady_Anne_ONymous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a NOAH 'PUCK' PUCKERMAN unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your PUCK will give you decades of quality performance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	PUCK: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The original Owner’s Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

PUCK: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!  
You are now the proud owner of a NOAH 'PUCK' PUCKERMAN unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your PUCK will give you decades of quality performance.

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your PUCK unit, be sure to show him the nearest TV and gym. If your unit comes equipped with a leather jacket, please remove it until needed to avoid overheating. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued the proper unit.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
Name: Noah Ezekial 'Puck' Puckerman  
Age: 18  
School: William McKinley High School  
Hometown: Lima, Ohio  
Sex: Male  
Manufacturers: Norah and Elijah Puckerman  
Height: 6'0" (1.83 m)  
Weight: insufficient data  
Hair Color: dark brown  
Eye Color: hazel  
IQ: very bright (Though he tends to not believe this!)  
Attention Span: depends on environmental stimulus and accompanying units

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your PUCK unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in English or Spanish. (He understands more Spanish than he lets on due to years of friendship with the SANTANA unit.)  
Remember that your PUCK unit is not just sexy; he should have multiple functions.

Music:  
Your PUCK unit is quite proficient at guitar, has some drum training, and is a very good singer. Left to his own devices, he prefers rock and songs performed by Jewish performers. However, with sufficient encouragement, you will be able to get your PUCK unit to perform almost any style of music.

Loyalty:  
Once his trust has been earned, your PUCK unit will be almost unquestionably loyal, especially to the FINN, KURT, SARAH PUCKERMAN, and BETH units. He always tries to do what he believes is right, though at times his judgment may seem a bit off. Remember that your PUCK unit can occasionally be very sensitive to certain words and phrases and you may have to apologize profusely if you speak without thinking.

Personal Relationships:  
Unlike most units, your PUCK model comes with three 'relationship' settings: het, slash, and sex shark. Please keep in mind that the sex shark mode may cause him to make very bad choices as to sexual partners and safe sex practices. (Especially with QUINN units.)

Combat:  
Your NOAH unit is actually an effective combatant when needed, though he may occasionally shut down and accept the beating. (Some models have been previously mistreated by various other units and may have become conditioned to accept bad treatment. This behavior WILL stop after prolonged contact with the BURT HUMMEL, CAROLE HUDSON-HUMMEL, FINN HUDSON, or KURT HUMMEL units.)

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
Your PUCK unit will likely form a strong friendship with a FINN unit. For romantic purposes, PUCK is best paired with a KURT unit. He may also form a relationship with a SANTANA or QUINN unit, but it is not as natural a relationship as one with KURT would be. Your PUCK unit tends to have the following modes:  
(a) Loving  
(b) Depressed  
(c) Aggressive  
(d) 'Someone Mistreated My Loved One' (This mode rarely applies to any model besides BETH, SARAH PUCKERMAN, FINN, or KURT, but can apply to the BRITTANY or SANTANA models on occasion.)

WARNING: As your PUCK unit is underage, it is NOT recommended you allow him access to alcohol.

FINN:  
After being introduced to a FINN unit, your PUCK unit may revert to an almost child-like state where all he wants to do is play video games and eat pizza. This is fine for short periods, but be sure to occasionally make him get up to play a game of football or do other activities.

KURT:  
A KURT unit will most likely have a rocky relationship with your PUCK unit at first, but it will quickly strengthen to a close friendship/romance based on his gender preference setting. Beware, there may be a lot of UST between these two units, again based on his gender preference setting! If you wish a relationship between the two, make sure that your PUCK unit is set to either the 'slash' or 'sex shark' gender preference setting and that your PUCK unit apologizes for all past slights and poor behavior.

ACCESSORIES:  
The items with which your PUCK comes equipped are a tight t-shirt or muscle shirt/overshirt combo, jeans, boots, guitar (his favorite accessory), and an obsession with waffles.

CLEANING  
You will likely need to bathe your PUCK quite often, as he seems to get himself rather dirty very frequently. Make sure he uses the shower, and don't be afraid to assist him in the bathing procedure. He will be happy to show his gratitude for the assistance.

LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your PUCK remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your PUCK unit can be provided by either the KURT unit or the SANTANA unit, each sold separately. (The SANTANA unit may, on occasion, provide misinformation in the pursuit of her own enjoyment.)

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your PUCK's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your PUCK:

Food:  
As a teenage boy, PUCK loves junk food. When placed in proximity to a KURT model, he may be a bit more likely to eat more healthily. If in close proximity to a NORAH PUCKERMAN parental unit, he will tend to stick to a kosher diet, but will happily eat bacon when she is not paying close attention. (NORAH PUCKERMAN units are not available for sale, but can be accessed at any GLEE, Inc. owned facility and may be rented for short periods.)

Drink:  
PUCK is willing to accept almost any beverage, but will usually grab a soda or water when left to his own devices. However, if he is in the aggressive or depressed modes, he may instead choose massive amounts of hard liquor.

Sleep:  
Your PUCK unit requires the average amount of sleep for a teenage boy. For best results, try to make sure he has at least seven hours of sleep a day.

REPROGRAMMING  
The PUCK unit is not easily reprogrammed, but it is possible. Reprogramming your PUCK is best done by a KURT model set on nurturing mode. A CAROLE HUDSON-HUMMEL or BURT HUMMEL unit will also be quite successful at reprogramming your PUCK unit, especially if he is in a relationship with a KURT unit. A NORAH PUCKERMAN parental unit may be able to reprogram your PUCK unit with limited success, but it will likely contain a lot of yelling and punishment.

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the PUCK unit, it is essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your PUCK:  
-Have your PUCK micro-chipped. CAROLE HUDSON-HUMMEL can do this when in nurse mode, or you may sweet-talk your PUCK into behaving for a doctor's visit by promising him waffles.  
-Do not leave your PUCK unattended in public.  
-Do not lend your PUCK to anyone. (Especially QUINN units, unless you wish to have a BETH unit in 9 months.)

CAUTION: Your PUCK may tell you that the best way to keep from getting lost is to chain him up. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! Follow his suggestion, by all means, but do not think for one minute that it has anything to do with security. It just means he has masochistic/submissive tendencies. If he asks to be punished, call for the KURT unit. Immediately!

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
Q: My PUCK unit has stopped paying attention to anything I do or say! He just sits there with a goofy grin and a faraway look in his eyes. Is he broken?  
A: No. He is most likely thinking back to his most recent encounter with a KURT or BETH unit.

Q: Why does my PUCK look so tired during the day? He doesn't make a peep during the night!  
A: A KURT or SANTANA unit has probably been spending the night with him. Remove all ball gags from their possession and he will be more likely to get a sufficient amount of sleep.

Q: Why does my PUCK unit keep doing really, really stupid things.  
A: He's a teenage boy. Get used to it.

TROUBLESHOOTING  
Problem: My PUCK keeps disappearing in the middle of the night.  
Solution: He's most likely not getting enough personal attention and is seeking it from inappropriate sources. Please get him in contact with a KURT unit immediately, or have him spend more time with a FINN unit if he just seems lonely.

Problem: My PUCK keeps walking around shirtless!  
Solution: Sorry, this is the 'troubleshooting' section, not the 'reasons why PUCK should have an identical twin' section.

Problem: My PUCK unit keeps calling himself stupid.  
Solution: Your PUCK unit has most likely recently been around a QUINN unit in 'bitch' mode or a NORAH PUCKERMAN parental unit in 'bad parent' mode. Please reassure him that he is actually very intelligent or distract him with sexy times... or both. (After all, the air force does have standards and it takes intelligence to fly.)

Problem: My PUCK unit just came home at 3am covered with blood and cheering. Should I be concerned?  
Solution: That depends on you. You can either get him into a relationship with a KURT unit, who will make sure he no longer attends fight club, or you may let him spend those nights with a SANTANA unit, where he will burn off all of his excess adrenaline after the fights.

ADDITIONAL INFO  
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our mailing address or email us at:

  
GLEEinc@yahoo.com

69 McKinley Pkwy  
Lima, Ohio 45801

Please call 24/7 for emergencies only at: 800-555-5047

**Author's Note:**

> This work has been heavily influenced by the user's guides of the wonderful Omuchgeekery and SpirkTrekker42.


End file.
